I really suck at this blogging thing. It has been a therapeutic way for me to get my thoughts out wherever I am without carrying around a notebook (not a good idea - they get lost or people read them).

I was re-reading my old posts - I sound depressing (no pun intended). SO here I commit to being more positive in my posts, no doubt there will be the odd "down" post, and I will still blog about the questions I have about life, love & the universe. Hopefully there will be a seismic shift in my outlook on life, cos lets face it, it's not all that bad.

Happiness

happiness hap'pi·ness
noun

1. state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy [ant: unhappiness]
2. emotions experienced when in a state of well-being [ant: sadness]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University

So about 2 weeks ago I took the bull by the horns & made a phone call to the staff care counselling service we have available to us through work. I got an appointment within 24 hrs & saw a counsellor later that week. I spent a long time talking & she was able to summarise alot of my feelings & "issues" as boiling down to loss & the grieving associated with it.

She asked me a question "When was the last time you were happy ?"

I had to think & define what happiness is - it depends if you mean a burst of happiness at a particular moment in time, or a more longer-term contented state of mind. I can name several 'moments' at friends' weddings, getting a phone call offering me a job, spending time with my friends & their kids. I have more of an issue with the longer term happy state of mind - I can't remember a time when I was happy for an extended period of time.

Is this normal ? Or are emotions just so 'dead' and my mind so frozen & blocked to the past that I can't remember, or is it just that I choose not to remember......

If it is about being in a state of well-being as the dictionary defintion suggests, it certainly hasn't been in the last 5 years, which as I reflect is a long time to be 'sad'. I'm certainly not 'sad'. I just feel nothing. I could blame it on the meds, but I know that coming off them would not be wise as they make the lows less low, but I long to feel something other than numb.

Questioning The Prophetic

I’m struggling – struggling with my employment, my vocation, my friends, my faith, my life, depression. It seems like all my posts start out with me struggling. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. It is here I try to work out the strings of thoughts running through my head.

I came across a few tapes of prophetic words that people have had for me over the last decade or so. To be honest I haven’t listened to them in a couple of years. I can remember what some of them say, and here is where my struggle today lies.

A number of years ago when I worked for CLB, there were several very specific “words” for me (& for the church??) about where my ministry should be – in the community. They were specific about setting up & running a community based project that would be run by the church. These were “words” spoken about what was to be – God had spoken.

I took a sabbatical over the summer & spent time praying & seeking God about my ‘new ministry’. Others who knew nothing about CLB or my role there confirmed what God appeared to be saying to me & others in leadership so I remain somewhat convinced that it was something of a God thing.

I was in a position where I had to give up (it’s interesting that I use that phrase I think) my involvement in the church youth work that I began. The year that followed was one of grieving for what had been. Over the next months I lost friendships, and looking back I was probably somewhat manipulated into the role I took on. I stayed very much in the background of the community work (although at the time I was happy to do so – I was too insecure to be anywhere else). About six months in I gave up the struggle & went to speak to my Doctor & started anti-depressant medication. It took about 6 months to get right – the first lot made me suicidal. About 18 months later, I got a job with a charity working in the community. Working at CLB & not being involved with my ‘baby’ was just too hard. About 2 years after that I left the church as a result of some other stuff that was happening.

And so I find myself questioning what becomes of the prophetic? Did we hear God wrong? Do I walk outside of His will because I’m not seeking to move forward with this community based project, because I’m not attending CLB? Is this why God is remote & my faith is all but absent? Is this why every day is a struggle?

If I try & explain this to my non-Christian friends they look at me like I’m nuts. I can’t find a Christian friend that can give me an answer. I guess that is another post!

Uncomfortably Numb

I've been off line for a few months now - I have good intentions to blog & keep thinking 'O I should really blog about this......' but I never quite get round to it.

I've been on antidepressants for 6 months today - happy half-birthday to me ! Over recent weeks - maybe more than a month I've noticed how numb I've become.

I really do feel nothing - I've just bought & moved into my new house - I should be ecstatic, but I'm not - I am enjoying my own space, but I should be turning cartwheels at having my independence & space & I'm not. I feel nothing. I got hurt in work recently - I should be angry, or at the very least upset that it happened and feel something towards the individual involved, but I don't - I feel nothing.

I used to be passionate about working with youth - I remember once upon a time saying I would die for them. I've gone into bat for them in meetings all guns blazing & fought the bit out until others came round to my way of thinking. I don't do that any more. It's like some days I just go through the motions & exist. I feel nothing.

Maybe it's just that I'm tired of life..... I've lost my passion. I don't feel anymore. I'm numb.

I'm numb & I don't know what to do to start to feel again - I don't know if I should go & talk to my Dr & try & reduce the dose of meds, or up them.......

I'm tired & I'm numb, but mostly tired of being numb.

Isn't it Funny How Things Turn Out

I was out with a friend for coffee this week & we were catching up on each other's lives. I was telling her about the house that I have just agreed to buy & we were dreaming about decorating it & what I could fill it with.

I looked up & saw a once close friend from CLB. An awkward moment passed - it is about a year since we have spoke. We exchanged pleasantries & asked about each others families. I shared my news about the house I was buying & mentioned it was a few streets away from him & his family. His response was "Why do you want to move near us?" It sounded like he was offended that I would even consider moving to the area.

That brought me up short. I muttered something about being closer to work. He left.

That conversation certainly put a dampener on my happiness at finding a place of my own.

I was reflecting later that evening - a year ago I would have said I was closer to these guys than most of my own family - these were a couple I could have relied on in a crisis. I would have given anything to live near them..... and now we don't talk.

How things change.

Alone in a Crowd

Have you ever been out with a group of friends & still felt so utterly isolated & alone ?

I was out with a good group of friends celebrating a birthday on Saturday night. As everyone was laughing & chatting, it struck me how utterly alone I felt. It was like sitting with a group of strangers. All I wanted to do was climb into bed & burst into tears.

Its easy & yet difficult to sit quietly and listen to other conversations going on around me, yet I know this is not the real me.

I long for the day when I feel more up to being social & interacting with people properly again.

I've been on the medication for about 10 days now - I know it can take up to a month before I feel any change, I guess I'm just impatient. The side effects have been crazy - palpitations, breathlessness, restless legs, and unbelievably tired ALL the time. Here is to hoping they calm down soon.

Anti Depressants

The Depression of Jesus

Found this pic over on Naked Pastor. It made me half smile. I haven't given in, but I have taken a step and gone to the Dr and got a prescripton for anti-depressants. Maybe some day soon I'll be better able to work through the stuff that is going on in my head.